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Stopping the Search


I have been a seeker my entire life. For 42 years, I have been searching for the answer. The answer to what you might ask? The answer to everything.

I have been searching for knowledge, awareness, expression, higher states of consciousness, happiness, health, wellbeing, fitness, community, connection, authenticity, joy, memorable experiences, leadership opportunities, recognition, admiration, beauty, love, expansion, peace…and the list goes on. This search has motivated my actions, creations and pursuits. It has informed how I show up in the world and how I like to be seen and perceived.

I want to matter. I want to make a positive difference in the world and despite my mom always telling me that “showing up is enough,” it never felt like it was. So, I’ve been searching outside of myself for the answers and fulfillment. This search has also left me with an unquenchable thirst for more on the path towards human potential, both mine and others. Its accumulation has left me exhausted, depleted and stressed.

On the human journey, it is easy to fall into the mistaken belief that what we seek is outside of ourselves. We are programmed to want more, have more and become more. Advertisements, television shows and the news are riddled with messages that we need to be fixed, healed and helped. Corporations model certain styles of leadership and management that we are taught to imitate.

However, we often forget that from the moment we were born, we were perfect. Think about it – when you see a newborn baby do you think to yourself, “Wow, that being needs some fixing.” No! Of course not. That little being is perfect just the way it is, not because of what it does or says or how it acts, sleeps or dreams, it is perfect because of its presence. That presence, infused with the essence that has informed all creation, brings joy, laughter and love to anyone who has the pleasure to witness it.

So, how do we lose touch with our presence? When do we forget our magnificence? For each of us it is different and personal. For me, despite growing up in a loving family system with a nice home in a safe and vital community, my search for self continued to strengthen each year I matured. I knew I had a presence on the lacrosse field, I knew I had a presence at a party, I knew I had a presence in the boardroom but I didn’t really believe my presence had anything to do with what I was searching for. As each year passed, my search for experiences that would prove my worth grew stronger.

For the last 25 years, I have studied with spiritual gurus, had out-of-body experiences, received training in different healing modalities, led and participated in vision quests, did cleanses , read oodles of self-help, business and spiritual books, ate organic, gluten free, dairy-free, meditated, did yoga, climbed the corporate ladder, ran a non-profit, incubated and founded three businesses, became a wife, became a mother, experimented, practiced, went on retreats, took programs, created programs, led and lept. I have gained a repertoire of skills on my search towards becoming a healthier and happier human being and I am very grateful for all I have experienced.

This search has become clearer over the past month as I seized more opportunity to work on my concept of self. In the beginning of the month, I attended Scott Kelly’s Insight Out Intensive and 6 Week Coaching Program in Park City, Utah. Scott has been a dear friend and respected colleague in my life for the past 15 years. We have co-created and delivered workshops and experiences together to help others reach their fullest potential and he has been an instrumental leader on my WellBEing Advisory Board for H3BE. Over the past couple of years, I have noticed a profound shift in him and I wanted to experience that shift for myself, so I signed up and jumped right in!

I came into the weekend on a mission to figure it all out (my company, my funding phase, balancing motherhood and a career, etc.). My body was tight and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, as if it was my job to change myself and others while making this world a better place. Five of us showed up twice a day for three days to share, have a conversation and learn about thought, mind and consciousness. We had space in between our sessions to notice, rest and digest what was being shared.

During the weekend through sharing and Scott’s teaching, I learned that the nature of thought is transitory, meaning it always changes and is constantly moving. I learned that our moods influence the quality of our thoughts and they can go up and down without any control. I learned that we are always living in the feeling of our thoughts. I never quite understood what this meant but my interest in quantum physics and neuroscience and the simplicity in the way Scott explained it led me to a new understanding. I learned that showing up with my presence is enough and by doing so, I attract exactly what I need at the perfect time. I relaxed and let go of the control I so desperately wanted. I released the need to fix myself and others. I gained a deeper personal experience of wellbeing and our true human nature: it is always present and always available.

Through a series of miraculous synchronicities on the second day of the intensive, I could see and feel my presence. I could sense that my presence was enough. I felt a deep sense of peace come over me from the inside out. The weight of the world on my shoulders released. My mom would be so proud.

This simple shift in understanding changed my world. It has changed the way I view everything even though nothing external has changed. Despite being a light chaser, I find that I am gentler with myself and when I wake up on days where my vibration is low. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to make me feel poorly or strategize on how to get myself out of this low mood state, I stop and allow myself to simply BE there. I now know there is nothing I need to do to change my state of BEing. The state of mind or mood will change on its own. Today, I am way more inclined to look into the direction of infinite source, trusting that my wellbeing is intact and always working on my better half. I am more comfortable showing up without a plan, agenda or strategy. I am more curious about the signs and signals and when I show up being present, my presence attracts, reflects and illuminates my path right before my very eyes.

This awareness has already manifested experiences that could never have been planned for or scripted. It provided the perfect realizations for me to reconnect with myself during a shamanic retreat that shortly followed the coaching experience with Scott. It led to insights and a deeper embodiment of my purpose, passion and gifts and I reconnected with my own healing skills and coaching practice. I am incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to experience Scott’s work for myself and highly recommend anyone on a similar search to experience this coaching intensive.

Even though the search is over, it doesn’t mean my quest for learning, human potential and higher states of consciousness is. The direction I have been looking has changed from outside myself to inside myself and I more authentically recognize that the source of wellbeing is what unites, connects and fuels us as healthy happy human beings.


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